Spaces & Places
Courage ≠ Absence of Fear
Every so often I get scared rock climbing.
Yeah, it doesn’t happen as frequently as my dear mother would like, but I do experience fear, especially when I’m climbing outdoors.
A few weeks ago, this experience was quite acute.
My buddy and I were tackling a 5.7, a not-so-difficult climb outdoors that shouldn’t have caused us to question our own abilities or courage.
But for some reason, I was super sketched out. This particular climb required stemming up a wide chimney, hoisting my body within a narrow chasm of rock, and then exposing myself to slabby rock that required a significant amount of commitment.
And the bolts I needed to clip were too far off the path of the route for my arms to easily reach.
On paper, I shouldn’t have had any concern about this “easy” climb that was well within my ability, but taking risks often requires moving within a space that requires pangs of uncertainty. At one point if I fell, I knew I would bang into a ledge and risk my oh-so-tender ligaments experiencing a significant blow to the rock. At another point, I could see how my back would thud against the rock piece behind me, potentially cheese-grating down the side.
My friend cheered me on from below.
A part of me knew I could do it, but I simply felt uncomfortable making this one move on lead. I ended up bailing on the climb and then let my taller (and braver) friend scurry up the last few feet, hearing his hushed imprecations as we both mentally tackled this hundred-foot grail.
When I top-roped the same route 20 minutes later, safely relishing my position between the ground and anchor, I questioned my inability to master this climb without coming face-to-face with trepidation as a leader.
In the end, I guess I was okay with not being okay. I embraced the fear and considered the calculated risks I take on a regular basis.
On this particular day for this particular time, I chose not to put myself in a place that questionably challenged my own safety.
True, you only live once (#yolo), but you also live each day and embrace the every risk and moment as they come.
2 COMMENTS
I think your intuition was telling you something and I’m so glad you listened to it.
As I turn 74 I find I often fear just doing normal daily tasks. Fear can cause me not to trust my own ability. Fear of falling and breaking some random bone makes me calculate on a daily basis whether to try to complete a task or leave it for someone else. It was so nice to have someone say it’s OKAY to have these feelings. Thanks for being so open!